play it as it lays


I’m tired. I’m tired of writing cheerful emails and chasing after projects with follow-up emails that are met with radio silence. I’m tired of Facebook status updates. I’m tired of looking around my home and imagining having to pack it up and put everything in storage as I board a plane to go to a place I don’t want to go. I’m tired of people thinking that everything will be fine, just fine, even after I tell them that I plan to file for bankruptcy, that I’m on the road to financial ruin. I’m tired of the burden I feel as if I always have to bear. I’m tired of getting it up for my friends who think that this period is not as dark as it is–possibly because I’m still editing, still positioning, still angling for that hopeful, magical ending. I’m tired of staring at my inbox willing that one email to come in. I’m tired of wondering why people won’t write back. I’m tired of waiting for Godot.

I’m exhausted. I love Los Angeles and I’m terrified of leaving.

I’m giving notice for my apartment come April 1, and I’ve no idea how I plan to pay the thousands of dollars required for breaking my lease. I’ve no idea how I’ll pay for storage or where I’ll live in New York or how I’ll afford a bankruptcy attorney. I don’t know about anything and the not knowing, the uncertainty, is eating away at me. Sometimes I sit at home and run through all the things I should’ve done (although I know that exercise is futile)–I could’ve moved into a cheaper apartment. I could’ve taken that project in the midst of my depression last November–money that would’ve sustained me for a few more months. I could’ve not taken that trip to Bali and Singapore this past summer and opted to save that money for the darkest days ahead. There are a million things I could’ve done, but what’s the point in playing the record on repeat if the song has already played itself out?

I’m calmer about this than I expected, which surprises me, but this calm is one of the few things that brings me comfort. And today I finally accepted that I’m doing and have done everything that I can possibly do. I humiliated myself by asking my friends for money on Facebook. I’ve applied to every job I possibly could, and took every meeting, sent and responded to emails. I signed up with temp agencies. I made a point of returning to therapy to take care of myself. I’ve done everything I can do and the fact that I can’t control my inbox or people’s decisions or the inevitability that I will lose my home and my credit and my pride, gives me a disquiet I’ve never felt before. I’ve always managed to survive, but this is the one time I haven’t boomeranged back and coping with this is harder than I could’ve ever imagined.

I’m tired, and I’ve decided to take a break and just roll with what happens. Play it as it lays. I’m not going to send the hundred follow-up emails or pen pleas on Facebook. I’m just going to go through my days and if I have to move back to New York with Felix and live on people’s couches, I guess this is something I will have to do.

I’m just sad, you know? I came here in August with so much excitement and possibility, and I could’ve never predicted this. Because how could you? Why would you?

So here’s me, seeing how this story will play out. Keep Felix and me in your thoughts 🙂

14 thoughts on “play it as it lays

  1. You’re brave and talented. I’m sorry this has to be so hard. Not much to send you from here — too much of the same uncertainty — but you do have my very best wishes. If only you could put ’em in the bank. . .

    Thank you for writing with honesty through this upheaval. Your voice is a gift. You are not alone.


    1. Smirkpretty is right. You’re not alone. Yes,, this difficult and maybe the bleakest period you’ll experience…or maybe not. The comedian Robin Williams once said his humor came from masking the pain inside. People in pain smile the biggest. The emails may not come because people may not know how to help because you’re the one who kept everyone feeling good about themselves. But you are not alone. New York may have the right people to help you rebound and land back on your feet. Time to regroup and figure out a game plan one day, one week, one month at a time. You are a survivor. I’ll keep you and Smirkpretty in my prayers.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with the reader above – brave and talented. Sometimes in life we just have to take things as they come. Never sure what life will bring. But treasure the precious moments, sweetie!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path.” — Steve Jobs

    Best of luck. You’re worthy.


  4. I have some last minute $$$ suggestions (apologies if the’re not relevant)
    *Craigslist the f*&k out of everything–sell as much as you can on CL–you’d be surprised at the hundreds if not thousands of dollars it can yield sometimes–esp. furniture, household items, etc. I did an out-of-country move (granted, not in the same financial circumstances you’re in), but I sold everything from potholders to bookshelves, from free weights, to pots and pans to a set of extra dishes on CL. To plants to appliances, clothing, etc.
    *Also got quick cash with clothing at the local second hand “hip” chain that buys/sells/swaps clothing. It’s not much, but cash for clothing at any rare is pretty good.
    *Also, any vinyl records? They’re hot commodities nowadays. Are there 2nd hand bookstores in LA that buy books?
    *Yard sale?
    *Random one-time CL gigs could help with pocket $. Catering server, market research participant….


  5. Felicia, I’ve been following your blog for awhile (it’s one of my Must Reads, actually … love your writing and honesty). I’m so sorry this time is so difficult for you. I can empathize with the experience of going from something so hopeful and promising to the darkest of days. (We’re dealing with a similar experience.) Thinking of you and wishing you the best.


  6. It is very difficult and painful to be in total darkness, unable to see the path ahead and with 0 control. I have been there and reading your post definitely took me back. I can’t tell when or how, but things will get better…will keep you in my prayers.


  7. You are really brave for sharing this. I know what you’re going through is hard – I’ve experienced versions of it myself. I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a difficult time, and I hope you find a comfortable landing soon. Wishing you the best.


  8. Hi Felicia,

    In the few years since I started up on WordPress, your blog is the only one I came across that I go back to as a bookmark – to see what you’re up to. For a dose of reality when I need some. I won’t say I’m sorry to see you’re struggling, because that’s pretty cliche, but I will say that it’s bullshit that someone who can twist and weave honest words like you should have to find herself in this clusterfuck. It’s a true testament to the times we live in – to the lack of work, the cost of living, and even to people’s inability to appreciate things that are different and raw.

    I see everyone around me buying homes and having babies, and all I can think of is “jesus, what the fuck are you thinking?!”, and “how do you feel comfortable taking on this burden of costly things in such as a time as this, even if you DO have money right NOW?!” and “aren’t you afraid you won’t be able to sustain all of this?! How can you feel like it’s truly yours for the keeping?!”. Really Felicia, I have no idea how anyone can feel that they really OWN anything in life other than the thoughts in their heads and the shoes on their feet. Anyone can lose their home, their money, their pride (for a time), and all I really want is a rental I can afford that I can walk away from if I lose my job, and no giant black cloud of debt hanging over my head about to piss down a world of hurt.

    In the end what do we need? Freedom. I ask myself: “what’s the worst that could possibly happen financially?”. And you know what it is? Bankruptcy. Declaring that you have nothing left and you can’t pay what you owe, and that you need a place to stay for weeks, months, or however long. And do you have that? Yes. You’ll have open arms when you’re back. Someone will happily feed you (and Felix). And if you have that – you have all you technically need. A time of absolute and shocking clarity. A hard time, but a completely naked canvas. No more chasing. Now you get to choose the way forward. One small but rough step at a time.

    Thoughts with you, as requested.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s