of the week: how not to punch people when you’re sick edition


Remember that time when I was sick? When spring broke for a mere second and everyone lost their mind and pranced around in crop tops and aviator shades while I shivered under an avalanche of blankets? Those were the halcyon days when I wanted to stab everyone tweeting gelato photos with an icepick. As one would expect, as soon as the shakes stopped the temperatures dropped, and now I have to practically bark to anyone in a ten-mile radius, I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS ANYMORE!, when I fall into a coughing fit on the subway. While I was sick I was convinced everyone needed to be punched, the world was coming to an end, and setting my novel on fire was a stroke of genius. I should be posting links to cherry-flavored cough medicine, however, I found a few items that brought me solace when I was convinced my death was imminent.

You should know that I rarely get sick, so while I was sporting these insane Gaiam grippy gloves during a Brooklyn Body Burn class, I was confused about two things: 1. Why wasn’t I sweating? 2. Who turned off the volume on the world? After class, I stumbled to the subway, somehow found my way back home, and collapsed on my bed, face-first. That might have been the moment when I realized I had the flu. You should also know that I was still wearing my grippy gloves. GOOD TIMES.

Remember Saturday? 70 degrees? Children yelping and pups strutting? Yeah, I was home practicing self-pity while on the phone with my friend Sarah. During our chat, she clued me into Maisie Jane’s Almond Butter, and can I just say that this butter is PANTS? Free of palm oil and evaporated cane syrup, this nut butter is filing, somehow salty and unbelievably delicious. When I couldn’t fathom eating real food, I laid on my couch and drank smoothies with this butter until I was less homicidal.

When you’re sick, you sweat through dozens of t-shirts, and for me this means showering four times a day. In a hothouse bathroom, whilst contemplating my life and snorting Afrin like it was 2002 and I was doing blow again, I found slathering this Juara Candlenut Body Creme {a sweet surprise gift from a beauty editor friend} incredibly soothing. A week later, I can finally smell this butter and it is glorious.

Finally, today was the first day of a workout where I felt like a normal person. And of course I forgot my plastic water bottle and felt like a hypocritical asshole because I was carting around a plastic water bottle. Thus, I broke down and purchased a BKR bottle and I. LOVE. IT. Not only does the bottle keep my water cool, the grip is fantastic for when I’m lurching over during Pilates class, desperate for a drink.

Status: No longer homicidal. Coughing still.

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