virtuous banana soft-serve ice-cream from the wretched gwyneth paltrow cookbook

This is what happens when you sit in a chair while someone blow-dries your hair for an hour: you read Self magazine. Specifically the cover story on Gwyneth Paltrow, nature’s candy and the purported lithe antecedent to Martha Stewart. Let it be known that I’ve held nothing but contempt for Paltrow, who was dancing to The Spice Girls with my beloved Winona Ryder and pilfering the Shakespeare in Love script while poor Ryder was probably in the bathroom. Let it also be known that I was this close to acquiring a Free Winona t-shirt because I felt I understood the J.D. Salinger-adoring, winsome goth princess. I’d been betrayed by back-stabbing blondes; I had a watch, I knew what time it was.

Please know that I’ve observed Paltrow with mild contempt. From dreadful movie roles (I did, however, enjoy her in Hard Eight, and Sylvia, because no one can play self-centered, whiny artist like Paltrow) to her GOOP newsletter (you guys, I’m just like you!) to her cookbooks, I’ve been a passive observer, perhaps waiting for Ryder to usurp her with a chain-smoking ode to the virtues of the cheeseburger, bun et all.

But back to the salon. As I read through the usual fawning profile of Paltrow, replete with photos of her frolicking through the grass, I spied a recipe that intrigued me beyond measure.

My friends, this soft-serve faux ice-cream is the best damn thing I’ve had in days. As I type, I’m eating this thing and it is GOOD. It has the consistency of whipped ice-cream, with the sweetness that has more depth than sugar could provide. I loved the smokiness of the maple syrup, and this will definitely be in my summer repertoire.


INGREDIENTS: Recipe courtesy of HER
4 bananas, sliced in rounds
1/4 cup roasted almonds, finely chopped {I used pistachios}
1/2 cup almond milk
2 tbsp + 2 tsp maple syrup, divided
1 tsp sea salt
1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Place banana slices in a single layer on a plate or tray lined with parchment or wax paper; freeze at least 3 hours. In a bowl, combine almonds, 2 tsp syrup and salt. In a food processor, pulse frozen banana slices, milk, vanilla and remaining 2 tbsp syrup, scraping down the sides as necessary, until mixture is the texture of soft-serve ice cream. Spoon into bowls; sprinkle with almond mixture.

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